Expecting and Expectations
by CharlesTheBold
Summary: The former Sister Lily is looking forward to having Kevin's baby, but finds she has other ways of anticipating the future. Please review.
1. The Dream

**EXPECTING AND EXPECTATIONS**

_(Disclaimer: I have no business connection with JOAN OF ARCADIA. My only purpose in writing this story is to have fun and maybe share it. _

_(Author's Note: This story is part of a series that takes place in the year after the show ended. A listing of the other stories is on my profile. As far as this story is concerned, the two main changes are: _

_Helen knows Joan's secret but has not decided yet what to do about it. _

_Kevin has married Sister Lily and the couple are expecting a baby)._

_(Author's Note: Unit7 suggested a story focusing on Lily after marriage, so I decided to write this)_

**Chapter 1 The Dream**

In the parking lot of the Church, Lily Girardi opened her car door and slipped behind the wheel. Her swelling abdomen made the motion a little awkward, and she reflected that it would get worse as the pregnancy progressed. It didn't bother her too much. Her husband Kevin was partially paralyzed; making do with a physical problem was a daily part of their lives. Besides, having a baby would be worth the little inconveniences.

She drove to the parking lot entrance. Sydney Street was busy with traffic, and she patiently waited for a safe chance to turn left.

A few dozen feet away, she saw her former Mother Superior emerge from the church's main entrance and stand at the curb waiting for the traffic light to change before walking across. Lily would have to wait for that, too, since her route took her across that crosswalk.

The light changed and the abbess started across. A car approached on Sidney Street, going too fast. It hit the brakes on seeing the red light, but not soon enough.

"WATCH OUT!" Lily yelled.

Nobody could hear her, her window was up. She watched helplessly as the car hit the older woman and she fell out of sight.

"NOOOOOO!" Lily screamed.

Then she woke up.

Lily sat up, frightened and disoriented. She wasn't in a car at all. She and her husband were in their bedroom, in her in-laws' house, and it was dark night.

"Lily, are you OK? Is it the baby?" asked Kevin's voice.

Lily hastily put her hand on her stomach. "The baby's OK. I just had a nightmare."

"Hate those. Something preying on your mind, or do you think it's just hormones?"

"Dunno." She lay back in bed and snuggled up against her husband, who wrapped an arm about her. It was in bed that Kevin's disability could be most easily ignored: no wheelchair in sight, the crippled legs hidden under bedclothes, and no reason to move the entire body. It was only when making love that things got awkward. If Lily had had prior experience of sex she might have called them downright weird, but she had stayed a virgin until her wedding night with Kevin. Anyway they had managed, well enough for her to be carrying his baby now. Focusing on happy family life, rather than an imaginary dream crisis, she managed to fall asleep again.

Breakfast the next day involved just Kevin, Lily, and Helen. Will had had to go to the office early, and Kevin's younger siblings, Joan and Luke, were both away at college. Lily described her dream.

"Aren't you meeting with the Mother Superior today?" asked Helen.

"Yeah, she's coming to visit Father Ken, but she did ask if I'd be there."

"Nervous about it?"

"A little. But why would I want her to get hurt?"

"No, no, Lily, you shouldn't look at a violent dream as wanting somebody to get hurt," said Kevin. "I had therapy when dealing with the consequences of my accident, and they explained some things about dreams. They come from the unconscious mind, the id, the animal mind. They aren't under the control of the superego, what you would call your conscience, and there's no reason for you to feel guilty about dreaming something."

"But it must mean something."

Helen looked pensive, and Lily remembered how, on one odd occasion, she had asked Lily about the power of dreams. Finally she said, "Not necessarily, Lily. Just random thoughts flitting around in your head. The Mother Superior was once an important part of your life, and nowadays you must sometimes brood about Kevin's car accident. The two thoughts collided, that's all."

"I suppose so. I'll just forget about it."

Lily almost forget about them during the day. She dropped Kevin and his wheelchair off at his newspaper job, then drove to the church to perform her counseling duties. There were two appointments scheduled today. The first was a pregnant woman, as big as Lily herself, but unmarried and anxious about the future. It was wise of Father Ken to let a woman like Lily handle a uniquely female problem. But it was a long session, and afterwards Lily had to visit the ladies' room. When she emerged, she saw her former mother abbess walking down the hallway toward her. That sparked a memory of her dream, but Lily thrust it out of her mind.

"My, Lily, you look radiant. How much longer--?"

"I'm due in early spring."

The other woman raised her hand tentatively. "May I?"

"Go ahead."

The Mother Superior placed her hand gently on Lily's abdomen. "Bet you never thought you'd be doing this with one of your nuns," Lily said lightly. She felt a little awkward as the abbess touched her stomach.

The other woman smiled. "No, but I cannot make or see the future. Only God can do that, and this was your future."

"So you don't resent my leaving the abbey?"

"Your calling is between you and God, Lily. As you younger generations might put it, I am "cool" with it if God is."

They spoke a little more, and Lily's anxiety was calmed. She was at last assured that the abbess didn't take her departure as a personal reflection on her leadership and that Lily had had issues that had nothing to do with the Mother. Feeling much better now, Lily decided to go out and do some shopping.

The modern parking lot always looked weirdly prosaic next to the ornate church. Lily supposed that there had always been contrast where the church bordered the everyday world. A century or more ago, this area would not consist of parking spaces but hitching posts for horses, and the lot would probably be filthy with their droppings, just a few dozen feet away from the abode of God. Weird thought, but she was having a lot of weird thoughts today.

At the entrance of the parking lot, she watched the thick traffic on Sydney Street. To her left, she saw her mother abbess leave by the church's main door and start across the street, heedless of the fact that one car was going too fast to obey the red light.

"WATCH OUT!"

No effect. Lily watched helplessly as the car hit the older woman and she fell out of sight.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

And this time, Lily did not wake up from a dream. This was for real.

TO BE CONTINUED

_(Author's Note: Sir Philip Sydney was a writer in Shakespeare's time, and he wrote a story called ARCADIA. It would be natural for a city named Arcadia to give his name to a street)_


	2. The Confessions

**EXPECTING AND EXPECTATIONS**

**Chapter 2 The Confessions**

"I followed the ambulance to the hospital," Lily explained to Father Ken in his study later that afternoon. "It took time to get information. First the emergency people thought that I was a patient, having trouble with the baby, and once that got straightened out, they had to get permission from Mother to discuss the case with me. Some broken ribs, but no damage to major organs, and the spine is okay, so no paralysis."

"I suppose God was looking over her," said Father Ken.

"If He was really looking after her, he could have done something," Lily said bitterly, "I don't know why He didn't prevent it in the first place --- Oh, my God!" she explained in sudden anguish, realizing something horrible.

"Lily, what's wrong? The baby?"

"No, no, the baby's OK," said Lily, trying to restrain her tears. "It's just that – Father, I gotta go to confession."

"All right." The priest seemed to be thinking over the practical side of the situation. "You shouldn't have to kneel, in your condition. Tell you what: I'll lock the door, and you can confess to me here. The location doesn't really matter, and anonymity doesn't really apply. Is that all right with you?"

"OK."

He locked the door and returned to his chair. "From this point on, the seal of the confessional applies. Tell me whatever you want."

"Bless me, father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin?"

Lily explained about the dream of the previous night. "It's so obvious now – I was supposed to warn her, and I didn't! Or I could have offered to drive her in my car, and I didn't. It's all my fault."

"Now, now, Lily, let's analyze the situation in detail. You think the dream was prophetic?"

"Yeah."

"Have you ever had a prophetic dream before?"

"N--no."

"Before the accident actually happened, did you think that the dream was prophetic?"

"I don't think so. My family thought I was anxious about what the Mother Superior would think, about one of her former nuns having a baby."

"Then you intended no wrong. Sin does not become sin unless it is endorsed by the will, and you willed no wrongdoing. You had no way of knowing that keeping the dream to yourself would harm somebody. You are innocent, Lily."

"Are you sure?"

"That's rather an awkward question to ask a confessor." Father Ken looked a little amused however. "Yes, I am sure. If you want reassurance, let's do it this way. By the power vested in me, I absolve you of any wrongdoing in the matter of the Mother Superior's accident. No penance necessary."

"Thank you, father. But how would you explain that I dreamed what was going to happen? Don't consider this as part of confession; I'm just asking your advice."

"Metaphysics and miracles are not my strong point, Lily." He grinned ruefully. "Your family certainly has a knack for asking awkward questions. Did I ever tell you of my first meeting with your mother-in-law?"

Lily suspected that he was trying to put her mind at ease by changing the subject. Instead he inadvertently put a new idea in her head.

Helen, thought Lily. Helen may know about this.

---

Lily picked her husband up from the newspaper office. She didn't want to talk about the dream, but Kevin knew about the dream and had heard about the accident, and had put two and two together. "I'm glad your friend didn't get hurt worse. But weird, the accident happening the day after you dreamed about it."

"You aren't going to print a story about it, are you?"

"Of course not. A reporter claiming that his own wife is psychic? I'd look crazy. But I know it happened. Do you have any explanation?"

"No." It was obvious that Lily no longer wanted to talk about it.

Kevin sighed. "Things really get crazy around our house. I used to think it was Joan, but she's off at college, and it's spreading to other family members. Luke thought he had found some sort of criminal conspiracy involving maroon briefcases, and I pooh-poohed that, and then somebody broke into his dorm room and stole a maroon briefcase. Then Luke and Joan form some sort of Internet club with secret messages, and they recruit Mom, of all people. Not me, their brother, but Mom. Fortunately they seemed to have given that up."

"You never told me that."

"I started to, but you were having morning sickness, and I didn't want to worry you."

"Well, I'm worried now. Kevin, can you let me have some time alone with Helen?"

"Sure. I'll go work on the Boat. And if Dad shows up, tell him I need help dismantling the sail – what's so funny?"

"You know the legend of Penelope's weaving?"

"The lady from the Odyssey? I read it in school, and saw some movies, but it's been a while."

"Penelope promised to marry one of her suitors once she finished weaving a dress, but she didn't want to. So she'd weave it during the day and unravel it at night. That seems to be the strategy you and Will use with the Boat. Are you sure that you ever want to finish the stupid thing?"

----

"I heard about the accident, Lily," said Helen. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks. But I need to talk about something related. You remember the dream I described that morning?"

Helen looked apprehensive. "Yes…"

"Prophetic, wasn't it?"

"Seems that way."

"Helen, a year and a half ago you asked me about prophetic dreams. And I told you about charisms – gifts from God."

"I remember."

"You never followed up with me on that."

"I didn't need to. Luke convinced me that coincidences happen. Sometimes, by sheer randomness, two things might coincide."

"Helen, you're trying to hide something from me."

Her mother-in-law turned pale, but said nothing. Lily lost her cool.

"Kevin told me there are a lot of secrets floating around the house. I've faithfully kept your secret, about – about what happened to you during your freshman year of college. Why won't you trust me?" Lily was nearly in tears. That had happened a lot today.

"It'll sound crazy."

"If you'll level with me, I'll trust you."

"All right – you've heard that our family has partly Jewish ancestry?"

"Yeah. A woman fled persecution in Eastern Europe, settled in Italy, converted to Catholicism, at least outwardly. One of her descendants emigrated to America and founded your family."

"The ancestry may be traceable all the way back to somebody in the Old Testament," Helen went on. "A prophetess named Deborah."

"Book of Judges," said Lily, who of course knew the Bible well. "One of the few female rulers in Israelite history. Inspired a revolt against the Canaanites, and wrote a song about it afterward. 'The stars in their heavens fought against Sisera'. The Bible didn't say she had children, but it wasn't relevant, because her leadership was not hereditary. So the Bible might have left it out. You mean--?"

"Many women of the family seem to have inherited the prophetic ability. Including me."

"No, no, a charism doesn't work that way," objected Lily. "It's a gift from God, given directly, not something in your genes. Besides, I just married into your family. No genetic link. So why would I prophesy something?"

"I'm just telling you what I know, Lily. I can't explain everything. This family stuff may be completely irrelevant to what happened to you, which is why I was reluctant to get into it."

"Sorry," said Lily. She thought over the bizarre story. Helen, she was sure, was telling the truth this time, at least as Helen knew it. "Wait, you said women of the family. You've got a daughter. Joan---"

"That's right," said a voice behind her. "Mom hasn't told you everything, because she promised to keep my secret."

Lily spun around in surprise, looking toward the front door.

It was Joan Girardi-Rove.

TO BE CONTINUED

_(Author's Note: readers of SANDEFUR's wonderful Third Season saga know that the current installment contains a similar scene of revelation, but I'm not copying it. I've been planning the revelation to Lily for some time. Helen's family history was introduced in an earlier story called THE MISSING LINK )._


	3. The Revelations

**EXPECTING AND EXPECTATIONS**

**Chapter 3 The Revelations**

Lily stared at her husband's kid sister. Joan had changed a little since Lily first met her two years ago: slightly thinner, less gawker, and she now wore her hair in a long ponytail. But the weirdest thing was her air of authority – or rather, her air of REPRESENTING authority.

"Joan, what are you doing here?" asked Helen. "I thought you were up at college."

"I was. HE told me that it was important to come down."

"Who did?" asked Lily, confused.

"God."

"You've had a dream too?"

"No, it doesn't work that way with me. Strangers walk up to me and give me missions to do – and although they sound weird, they almost always have good results. Good ripples, we call them."

"Who's 'we'?"

"For a couple of years I was at it alone. Then God recruited other people, or at least let me tell them my secret. Luke, Grace, Adam. A California girl named Veronica Mars. Another girl I met in Europe – I'm not sure either of those two believed me. A girl named Judith, but she died."

"I remember her – the druggie?"

Joan suddenly lost her cool. "Judith got over her drug abuse! She wanted to turn over a new leaf! If those bitches had let her---"

"Sorry, sorry," soothed Lily, though she was still puzzled.

"And most recently Mom. And I suppose you."

"Joan seems to be the special member of the group," observed Helen. "God revealed himself to her long before the rest of us, and He still contacts her most often. But what puzzles us is why I've had these dreams for years, and Lily just started."

"I dunno," said Joan. She lowered her eyes to Lily's expanding waistline. "Could it have to do with being pregnant?"

"That's a thought," mused Helen. "I've done some searching on the web; there are old stories about prophets and seers whose mothers had visions while they were in the womb. If Lily's child is a daughter and has inherited the family trait--"

"What are you saying?" demanded Lily. "That the prophetic ability travelled up the umbilical cord? Or oozed through the placenta?" She put her hand on her belly, wondering just what was going on within. It was the odd thing about pregnancy, the contrast between the intimacy and the unknown. For most of history woman had carried children under their hearts for months without even knowing the fundamental fact of whether they were boys or girls. Martin Luther's ex-nun wife, according to a history Lily had read, had been terrified by Catholic prophecies that she would give birth to a monster as punishment for breaking her monastic vows. Until it actually came out, she did not know what was growing inside her. Now it was Lily's turn to be mystified as to what was going on in her own womb.

"Put in modern terms, it does sound rather confusing."

"It's all confusing. It's making my head spin," complained Lily. "Could you let me go upstairs and try to absorb all this?"

"Certainly," Helen replied. "Do you want Kevin to join you, or would you rather we kept him away?"

"I – I… keep him away for awhile." Lily and Kevin had long ago agreed to disagree on religion and never discuss the matter. Definitely she would hesitate to tell Kevin about getting visions from God. But she had to think things through.

A few minutes later, lying down on their bed, Lily reflected over her religious life.

The most important event in her life had happened when she was 17. She and some friends had gone surfing, during a particular "tubular " tide. Lily had tried to ride a huge wave and had been washed overboard. That wasn't a particular danger in itself – she could swim – but the surfboard itself banged her on the head during the turbulence and dazed her. Had not one of her girlfriends been both nearby and alert, she might have drowned.

That had shocked her into thinking on her life. If she had died on that day, would she have done anything worthwhile with her life? Lily had attended a Catholic parochial school but paid little attention to the religious lessons, except to pass tests. Now she became impressed by the idea that she might have a calling in life, indeed that she might have been rescued because God had a plan for her. She started talking to the nuns who taught at the school, and eventually decided to enter their monastery.

The monastery life was of course vastly different than what she was used to, yet she felt no change in her inner life. She told herself to carry out her explicit duties, and to wait: God's plan for her would be revealed when she finished her novitiate. It wasn't, and she told herself that it would be revealed when she was 21. Or, later, 25 – hadn't Aquinas designated 25 as the ideal age? Still it did not come. Lily started wondering if she had taken the wrong path, and told her confessor so. Finally she concluded that she must leave. She would serve God, but in the secular world.

The elder nuns were nice about it. There was a time, earlier, when leaving nunhood after taken the monastic vows was considered a serious sin – and in officially Catholic countries, a criminal offense. But the Mother Superior absolved her of the vows and proposed a mild penance. Meanwhile Lily was not prepared to give up the religious life altogether. She still thought there was a Plan somewhere. So she travelled cross-country to the East Coast, to get a fresh start, and started working as a counselor under Father Ken Mallory. Eventually she decided that the divine plan was for her to marry Kevin Girardi and have his children – but she never got an explicit divine message on the point.

Now her equilibrium had been shattered by a single day's revelations.

God had revealed Himself to a bunch of teenagers. One of the teens, Judith, had been involved in drugs, had been sent to a special summer camp for disturbed teens, and still drunk herself into a stupor that fall – and yet, according to Joan, God had spoken to her. He had spoken to the scientific Luke and his rebellious girlfriend Grace, neither of them conventionally religious. And above all, He had spoken to Joan. Gawky, aimless Joan seemed to be the special friend. Meanwhile Lily, who had served God for years, had heard nothing. It wasn't fair.

Was God playing favorites, like an unfair parent who showered love on one child and neglected another? There was one religious group, the Calvinists, who claimed that God decided ahead of time whom He would favor. The favored ones were called the Elect or the Elite, and the rest of humanity could literally go to hell, and there was nothing anybody could do about it. Certainly no free will.

And there was a worse thought behind that one. That it all came down to a bunch of chemicals, a gene passed down from the prophetess Deborah. If you had it you also got God's love; without it you were outside the charmed circle forever – unless you got the chemicals temporarily in your womb. Even God didn't have free will, but followed where the chemicals led him.

KNOCKNOCKNOCK.

"Please go away, Kevin. I'm not feeling well."

"It's Joan," said a familiar voice. "I think we need to talk."

Lily wasn't really keen on talking to Joan either, but she was nervous about turning her down. Joan was apparently great in the eternal scheme of things, maybe the closest Lily would actually come to God. She let in her sister-in-law, then sat back down on the bed. Joan took a chair.

"I know what's bugging you," said the younger girl. "You're wondering: why Joan?"

"Can you read minds, too?"

"What? No, it's not like that. It's just that I've been wondering the same thing for three years, and never came up with a good answer."

"You don't know?"

"Nope. Even in my little circle of friends, I'm not the best candidate. Luke and Glynis are smarter. Grace has a better sense of justice, and in a different way so does my Dad. Mom and Adam are better artists. You're more religious than I am. I don't know how I got chosen."

"Just enjoy it," Lily said sourly.

"Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. For a long time, before she discovered the truth, Mom thought I was crazy. I'm sure she told you, because that was just when you guys met."

"Um, yes." Lily remembered how Helen had poured out her concerns – that the disease may have affected her brain, that her stay at camp had done nothing but made Joan bitter, that Joan seemed fascinated by the local Bad Girl.

"And learning the truth brings other problems. Um, can we talk frank about sex for a while?"

"If you want. I'm the closest thing you have to a sister – and vice versa. Besides, we're both married."

"Remember when Adam panicked and ran out on our wedding?"

"Yeah, everybody though he had a problem with, um, impotence."

"Not exactly. He thought I was some saint and that making love with me would defile me. When I finally caught up with him, I nearly had to seduce him – not the ideal wedding night."

"But knowing that you have the love of God must compensate for a lot."

"God told me that having love for one person doesn't diminish his love for somebody else. God loves YOU, Lily."

"Well, I wish He'd say so. I don't know what His plan for me is, or even if He has one."

"I don't know what the plan is. But people come to you for counseling all the time. Problems that would floor me. Do you hesitate each time and say "is it the divine plan for me to help these guys'? No, you just help them. Maybe your baby will turn out to be somebody special; we already know she will have visions. Maybe it's your responsibility to give her the best bringing-up that you can. But are you going to wait and wonder if it's God's plan first?"

"No."

"Please stop worrying whether somebody is literally holier than you. God doesn't work that way, assigning people a rank and number. The last shall be first. Doesn't the Pope call himself the Servant of Servants?"

"Well, yes," said Lily, wavering.

"I love you, Lily. You're the closest thing I have to a sister. I don't know why God chose me or anybody else. Do we have to let it come between us?"

"No." Lily felt a little embarrassed about her previous unhappiness towards Joan.

"And I need your help understanding things. I didn't learn much about religion growing up. Dad's a skeptic, Mom has always had issues. Lots of times I don't understand what God is up to. On one occasion I actually thought God wanted me to have sex with Adam; I was 16 then. And I couldn't understand why He wouldn't help me get away from Ryan Hunter when he kidnapped me."

"I clearly don't have all the answers either. But, yes, I'll try to help."

The sisters-in-law hugged. Not tightly, because Joan was being careful of Lily's stomach.

"What about Kevin?" asked Lily.

Joan sighed. "I never have known what to do about him. If he did know about us, he'd wonder why we can't heal him, and I don't have a good answer for that. You're his wife; maybe you understand him better than I do, and can figure a way of explaining it to him. Some day, I'm sure, we'll find a way of letting Dad in as well – the whole family. No more secrets among ourselves. And, oh, how wonderful it will be!"

THE END


End file.
